Some Important Introductions
My Brother (Seamus Branagan – 14)
Sometimes I am so certain my brother actually is an evil villain who wants to take over the world, I wish he’d get on with it, so I can arrest him, and take over his room.
Cassady Callaghan (10)
Cassady is my neighbour and she is absolutely brilliant at everything. Eg She can beat Gouger Gilligan in a fight (even though he has a spear).
My Mother (Siobhan Branagan – 34)
Everyone says ‘Oh my God, your mother could be the nicest, most gorgeous mum in the entire world!’ But I’m her son, so I just say… I think she could actually be a witch. For example, she says: ‘I’ve not got eyes, in the back of my head!’ but if you try sneaking up behind her to give your brother a Chinese Burn, she’ll be on you like a flash.
Whenever my mum goes out, Mrs Welkin comes over to watch us, all mad keen to play Boggle. She’s a very very old lady, who has three hairs growing out of her chin, but I love it when she comes because she always brings a little bag of Jelly Babies, and her sausage dog who’s called Wilkins.
I swear he thinks he’s a detective as well. When he visits, he spends most of the time at the back door, watching out for cats.
We call him Gouger because he stands around in the street, trying to look dodgy. Literally, he carries a spear. And if you go near him, he hits you. But I like him. When he’s not barrelling up and down the street, with his spear, he’s in his back garden, cuddling his gerbil. I would go so far as to say that he is my friend. But I keep my distance, all the same.
Steven Maysmith – Police Detective
Steven Maysmith is – honest to God! – a real life, actual detective, and he is absolutely enormous. When I see him walking down the street, past our front window, it’s like watching a hot air balloon, drifting down the street.
Padder Branagan – my dad
I don’t remember anything about my dad, although the other night I dreamed about him, and he looked so handsome and kind and familiar. It has to be said, though, he did have a fish, that flew out of his ear. Also he had a giant squid, sitting on his head.